She's a Natural

Now, if I can just keep her on the paper.
Within minutes of breaking out the crayons, she ran over to her basket of books and marked on Leonardo the Monster. I gasped. Luckily, I happened to accidentally grab the washable crayons from the Target display. Good thing because I have a feeling this child is going to want to tag my walls. I'd bet my morning coffee on it.
Tomorrow, I'm introducing Audrey to play-doh. Art overload!

I want to make sure she gets it all out of her system now, so she doesn't end up like us.
Pretty soon I'll have her sleeping with a calculator.

A First

Today, for the first time in my life, I drank a full pot of coffee, single-handedly.

I don't know why anyone would enjoy this ritual. At work, I nearly ate the ends off three different felt-tipped pens. I wanted to bite my hand off while driving home in traffic. I think I have picked every single scab on my body twice over and I can't keep my legs still.

I'm pretty sure I can actually hear the coffee sloshing back and forth against the walls of my stomach. The acid will, most likely, eat large pits out of the lining.

I was actually afraid to look at my pee. I was afraid I'd look down into the bowl only to discover that it wasn't the normal color, but coffee-colored instead. Luckily, it wasn't that bad, but it did smell like coffee. Maybe I'm just imagining it, but I feel like I'll be sweating out this coffee for weeks.

While you're dreaming tonight, dream of me. I'll be lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and kicking myself in the ass for bringing a coffee-maker to school.
I should have known. Moderation is not in my vocabulary.

Oh, So That's What You Were Saying!

For about a month, Audrey has requested the "Potato Song", or so I thought.

Let me back up a bit.

I would ask her if she would sing me a song and this would be her response, "Potato Song?"
"Yeah, okay, the Potato Song," I'd say. Yet, she would never sing it.
Several times after I'd ask her to sing a song, she'd just repeat "Potato Song" over and over again. I was beginning to think that she learned the "Potato Song" at school. I would say, "I'm sorry honey. I don't know the Potato Song."
I kept meaning to ask her teachers, but I would forget.
I kept meaning to google the "Potato Song", but never did.
Never in my life had I heard of this "Potato Song".

Tonight, as I was rocking her to sleep, I sang to her. I always do.
I usually start with "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". I then move on to "Five Little Monkeys". Next I do "On Top of Spaghetti" and usually end with "I've Been Working on the Railroad".
Tonight, however, after I sang "On Top of Spaghetti", Audrey requested the "Potato Song". She kept repeating it:
"Potato Song."
"Potato Song."
"Potato Song."

"Honey, I'm sorry. Momma doesn't know the Potato Song." And then it hit me. She was trying to say "Spaghetti Song" and was getting potato instead.

It was the hardest thing for me to do, sing the "Spaghetti Song" while trying not to laugh. I kept saying potato in my head to try to get it to sound remotely like spaghetti.

I am going to try to get this on audio so you can understand exactly how funny this is.
Anyway, because I felt so guilty for not granting any of her past requests, I sang the "Spaghetti Song" as many times as she wished tonight. I wasn't counting, but it was more than 10 times....for sure.
I am almost certain it is her most favorite song.

Mystery solved.

Dinner Conversation

Tim: What's wrong with you?
Me: Nothing.
Tim: No. What is wrong with you?
Me: I don't know. (I gave some serious thought to his question. I didn't really have the energy to go down the list of things that were/are wrong with me. So, I just repeated myself, but with more emotion.)
I don't know what's wrong with me.

There was a long pause.

Tim: I know what you need.
Me: What?
Tim: You need a hard wiener.

I don't know what struck me as more funny, the fact that he said wiener or that he said it with a perfectly straight face.
I busted out laughing.
He said he hadn't heard me laugh like that in years.
I told him that he hadn't said anything that funny in years.