3 Years and 3 Days

I gave up the things I loved. I built walls. I cried a lot. I searched for reasons why. I gave up hope. For a long while I took joy in nothing. I was silent. I felt alone.

Time. It took time. 3 years and 3 days.

I think I'm in the clear now. I feel the dark clouds lifting. And I'm more grateful for my family and friends than ever before. I'm ready.

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun

And I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter

Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun

And I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces

Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here 

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun

And I say it's all right

Wake.Beach.Pool.Eat.Nap.Wake.Beach.Pool.Eat.Sleep

We leave tomorrow. 

I could stay another week.

Day Number 14,033

“The worst thing that being an artist could do to you would be that it would make you slightly unhappy constantly.” ― J.D. Salinger, Nine Stories

“We're all lonely for something we don't know we're lonely for. How else to explain the curious feeling that goes around feeling like missing somebody we've never even met?”

― David Foster Wallace

Wish I Was Ocean Size

La Mar

We made it. The edge of the world. And we love it.

When Harper met La Mar for the first time, she ran straight into her- full speed. She still screams with laughter and joy when the cold waves slap her face.

Audrey greets her quietly. She lets her toes say hello first and then takes a long deep look to the horizon before wading in for a welcome.

This beach is desolate. No spring breakers here.

“He always thought of the sea as 'la mar' which is what people call her in Spanish when they love her. Sometimes those who love her say bad things of her but they are always said as though she were a woman. Some of the younger fishermen, those who used buoys as floats for their lines and had motorboats, bought when the shark livers had brought much money, spoke of her as 'el mar' which is masculine.They spoke of her as a contestant or a place or even an enemy. But the old man always thought of her as feminine and as something that gave or withheld great favours, and if she did wild or wicked things it was because she could not help them. The moon affects her as it does a woman, he thought.”
― Ernest Hemingway, The Old Man and the Sea

Antics

Why is it that every day of the week I struggle to wake my children up in time for school and then, on Saturday morning, when I most desperately want to sleep in, they wake up at 6am?

I was sleeping hard when I heard the cutest high-pitched, “Momma, I’m thirsty” whispered in my ear.

“Hi Thirsty, I’m Sleepy.”

“No. Momma, I’m really thirsty.”

“Go drink from the bathroom sink.”

“Momma! It’s time to get up.”

“No. No it’s really not. Go back to sleep.”

“But I want to play and watch TV.”

“Go play and watch TV but don’t make any messes.”

Harper crawled out of our warm bed and before leaving she flipped on the lights and turned the covers down on me.

“There,” she said revengefully, “now you’re cold. It’s time to get up.”

Little stinker!

Monday morning is going to be Hell for her.

P.S. The girls attempted to make a cake this morning. The mixing bowl was sitting in the middle of the couch when I shuffled into the living room.

PS.S. Audrey just read over this and tacked on “naked” to end of that last sentence above.

She said it was true and it would make a better ending.

Uncle!

Day Four

I'm already over the 365 Project. Four days in and it's becoming a chore. But hey, here's your picture:

Sushi
Sake
Scrabble
Wine
Johnny Football

The next time I buy a bag of oranges, I'm going to attempt this.

Not long after we placed our sushi order , A Very Nice Sushi Chef made one of these for me for no reason. Maybe he knew it was a night to celebrate? (Probably not.) But it sure made me feel a little special. After admiring it, we set it aside to eat at the end of the meal. While I wasn't looking, one of the overzealous waitresses cleared it from the bar! My friend nobly tried to run her down, tackle her and bring back my bear,  to no avail. It was rudely discarded.
Blasphemy!
The same Very Nice Sushi Chef saw what happened and before I had time to truly lament, he presented another.

I don't know why I shared that story other than to point out that generosity is is pretty damn cool.

Day Three

COMEBACK.

“What an odd thing a diary is: the things you omit are more important than those you put in.” -Simone de Beauvoir, The Woman Destroyed

Today was nerve wracking on so many levels. I woke up earlier than I needed to, just to be certain the girls made it to school on time. Then, I had to check Audrey out for her dreaded dentist appointment- dreaded by me, not her. 
The last trip to the dentist brought on streaks of silent tears for me when I was told her tooth did not have a cavity like I thought; it was, in fact, a new tooth emerging without the enamel. All of her first molars have grown in sans the beautiful white shiny enamel most of us take for granted, me included. No enamel? How can that happen? Why does that happen? I was so upset. Audrey, however, didn't seem to be all that worried. So, I tried to adopt her carefree attitude.

It was hard though, putting on a happy face in that dentist's office today. Audrey was getting her first filling. I did my best to prepare her for the hurt and pain she was about to experience without scaring her completely. She remained cool while I paced the floor and wrestled with my hands. The dentist took one look at me and promptly kicked me out of the room.

My stomach turned as I waited. I paced some more, peeked around the corner, got a glimpse of the needle and listened for the whimper. 
It never came. 
45 minutes later, Audrey proudly walked out into the waiting area with a smile and stated, "It wasn't really all that bad. I didn't even cry."

I think similar words escaped my lips a little later in the day when talking with my mother about a completely different but somewhat similar situation.

Let's just say we can both sleep a little easier tonight, Audrey and I.

Speaking of sleep, I'd write more, but it's already 1am and I have to get up early again tomorrow.

Day Two

FIND THE HUMOR.
"Don't take life too seriously."- Larry Waddy

I must laugh.
I have to get out of my head.
My pop knows when I need reminding. Today, I reminded myself.

The girls and I started the day by eating breakfast and then heading to the Y. Harper was thrilled because one of her best friends from school arrived at exactly the same time as us. So, she was set. Audrey got excited when I dropped her off at her room because the air hockey table had been unveiled. Sweet! Mama could workout without guilt.

After running a couple of miles on the treadmill, I thought I'd go downstairs to see if they'd reactivated my account (for the machines). I really wanted to get started on my core. I'm determined to be smoking hot.

Don't laugh.

Anyway, they had! Great. I was in the system. Now, if only I could remember how to use the damn  machines. Which one was for abs? You should have seen me. Anyone watching me was probably highly entertained. I was laughing at myself, even! Finally, I gave up like a good girl and made an appointment to meet with the fitness expert in a couple of days for a much needed review. Although, the one machine I did manage to figure out sure did feel great- back extension, was it?

Grabbed the girls and we headed to the pool. We were all very anxious to try out our new goggles. (Thank you, Target, for the misprint. I bought three pair for less than the regular price of one. Score!) Now Harper, that kid, she never stops amazing me with her precociousness. From the minute she hits the water she busies herself by chatting with adults and teaching herself to swim. Today, I laughed so hard when she interrupted my laps to blurt out, "WATCH THIS!" Of course, I was monumentally surprised when I saw that she did an underwater handstand ending in a perfect flip. I thought for sure she'd come up coughing and grabbing her burning, water-filled nose. Nope. She wore a grin from ear to ear. I couldn't stop laughing and shaking my head! She did it over and over again in order to keep me tickled. Full of surprises.
On to Audrey, she wanted to hang with me. So, she asked me how to push off the wall like I do. Then, she asked me to show her how to swim, really swim, she said. I did. She observed and then,  to my amazement, that little determined soul sped off freestylin' it like a pro. Quick study.

After the Y, we piled back into the car and sang songs about poop. That's always funny.


The rest of the day was pretty much a blur. We ran some errands, ate some lunch and had a dance party in the living room. Harper kept her swimming suit on all day. And I let her. She had good reason to be proud. We watched a movie, of course. I tried to capture that.

I laughed hardest this evening.

I'm really a little reluctant to post this link but damn, it's funny!

Louis CK- On being single again.

If you have tender ears, don't listen. If you find yourself single again and over 30 you'll be able to relate and laugh. I never ever thought I'd be back out there again. I distinctly remember saying, several times, over the course of twelve years, "Damn. I'm glad we'll never have to go through that again. Dating sucks." Sigh. Anyway, just listen. He's a funny guy.

I ended the night watching Hunger Games. I wasn't all that impressed. Glad I didn't wait in line to see it at the theater.

Books are always better.