I have a great idea!
This is going to get graphic. So, you know, whatever. I'm not above you.
I propose a Mommy of Newborn Olympics
One of the sports would be categorized as Bathroom. The events would be as follows:
Taking a Shit: Yes, how fast can you (with a baby, half-asleep attached to the boob, and three others asleep within whispering distance that will definitely wake up if you even think about so much as sneezing) where was I?
Oh, yes. How fast can you unbuckle your so-not-hip-anymore-but-you-don't-have-time-to-shop belt, unbutton and unzip your pants (that haven't been washed in three days), pull them down over your enormous post-pregnancy ass, sit down, readjust nursing baby, do your thing, wipe front and back (several times), stand up, bend over to grab your pants, shimmy them up your thunder thighs, readjust nursing (now crying) baby, zip them, button them, re-buckle your belt, turn around and flush the toilet.....damnnowyouhavetoplunge, and then wash the one hand that you used to achieve all this??? I mean, ghat damn. I feel like I definitely deserve a medal. I think I managed to finish at the lightning speed of 20 minutes.
Taking a Shower: This event will only be held once a week during the Olympics (and only at the break of dawn or at the witching hour- take your pick). How fast can you get all of the kids in the house asleep at the same time (2 for me, in the early morning), carry the bouncy seat to the bathroom without waking newborn (because you can't be in a different room, ever. that's just crazy), get undressed, ignore your reflection in the mirror (because that's really not what your body will look like for the rest of your life, is it?), hop into a mind-numbingly hot shower (because every muscle in your body aches, even your eyebrow muscle), just stand there for a minute while realizing you don't have to tend to someone other than yourself for god knows how long you have in heaven, pull back curtain, check on baby, soap yourself up, wash your face, pull back curtain, touch baby to see if she's still breathing, shave your legs (for what?like you're ever going to have sex again, why bother?), wash and condition your hair, run your finger over your hideous purple scar somewhere about your flabby mid-section, stand under the shower head until the hot water runs out, wait...is that the baby?, pull back curtain, shit! try to talk to crying baby in a very high-pitched voice while turning off shower, drying off, putting wet hair in a towel, throwing on bra while baby is screaming at the top of her lungs, panties, shirt, please don't let the toddler wake up, pants, pick up baby, nurse baby, spend the rest of the day with wet, un-brushed hair. how fast can you do that? I never finish this event in under an hour.
I'm sure you get the picture....
Oh, and it only took me 55 minutes to type this blog post one-handed. (It's a miracle- all four kids were sleeping; albeit one on the boobie.) Just as I finished and went in to take a picture, they all woke up.
Cheers! Where's my beer?
I propose a Mommy of Newborn Olympics
One of the sports would be categorized as Bathroom. The events would be as follows:
Taking a Shit: Yes, how fast can you (with a baby, half-asleep attached to the boob, and three others asleep within whispering distance that will definitely wake up if you even think about so much as sneezing) where was I?
Oh, yes. How fast can you unbuckle your so-not-hip-anymore-but-you-don't-have-time-to-shop belt, unbutton and unzip your pants (that haven't been washed in three days), pull them down over your enormous post-pregnancy ass, sit down, readjust nursing baby, do your thing, wipe front and back (several times), stand up, bend over to grab your pants, shimmy them up your thunder thighs, readjust nursing (now crying) baby, zip them, button them, re-buckle your belt, turn around and flush the toilet.....damnnowyouhavetoplunge, and then wash the one hand that you used to achieve all this??? I mean, ghat damn. I feel like I definitely deserve a medal. I think I managed to finish at the lightning speed of 20 minutes.
Taking a Shower: This event will only be held once a week during the Olympics (and only at the break of dawn or at the witching hour- take your pick). How fast can you get all of the kids in the house asleep at the same time (2 for me, in the early morning), carry the bouncy seat to the bathroom without waking newborn (because you can't be in a different room, ever. that's just crazy), get undressed, ignore your reflection in the mirror (because that's really not what your body will look like for the rest of your life, is it?), hop into a mind-numbingly hot shower (because every muscle in your body aches, even your eyebrow muscle), just stand there for a minute while realizing you don't have to tend to someone other than yourself for god knows how long you have in heaven, pull back curtain, check on baby, soap yourself up, wash your face, pull back curtain, touch baby to see if she's still breathing, shave your legs (for what?like you're ever going to have sex again, why bother?), wash and condition your hair, run your finger over your hideous purple scar somewhere about your flabby mid-section, stand under the shower head until the hot water runs out, wait...is that the baby?, pull back curtain, shit! try to talk to crying baby in a very high-pitched voice while turning off shower, drying off, putting wet hair in a towel, throwing on bra while baby is screaming at the top of her lungs, panties, shirt, please don't let the toddler wake up, pants, pick up baby, nurse baby, spend the rest of the day with wet, un-brushed hair. how fast can you do that? I never finish this event in under an hour.
I'm sure you get the picture....
Oh, and it only took me 55 minutes to type this blog post one-handed. (It's a miracle- all four kids were sleeping; albeit one on the boobie.) Just as I finished and went in to take a picture, they all woke up.
Cheers! Where's my beer?
7 Comments:
OMG, I'm cryin! This is both sad and hysterical all at the same time.
And the Gold goes to ... ANGELA!
I COULD NOT have written this better myself!!! It's SOOOOOO true!! every. last. bit! I can't imagine it with more than 2!!! the fixed boob attachment is enough to make one crazy!
god bless you, woman. i started a nanny job today and thought about you about 10 billion times, as this 14 pound 4-month old monster screamed in my face because my boobs don't work like he'd like them to. bless the little children.
Ghat Damn is right. I take it this is your new cardio?
so when is your wheaties box coming out, gold medal mama?
:)
you're amazing. crazy, but amazing,
angela, this is amazing. wow.
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